Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given
by 'im upstairs...
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away!
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented -
to calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our head.
But you pay the taxes!
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
Scatter. Party!
LIAM: Had double maths today.
We had to make up our own sums.
Peter Brannigan calculated how many times a bloke will masturbate
during their lifetime.
He didn't use that word, though.
Got a detention.
I worked out the total number of days
I spent with Mum before she left. Twice.
Hiya, love.
Came to 1,976.
Made your favourite.
Not great when you consider I've been on the planet for 4,382.
Makes you want to become self-sufficient.
You know, cope with stuff on your own.
Means no-one will ever let you down again.
Oh, and in case you're wondering,
it's 5, 783 - the number of times a bloke will...you know.
What they teaching you at that school - how to be a twat?
- She's been cooking that all afternoon. - Didn't ask her to.
She's bending over backwards for you. Show some respect.
She's trying to impress Dad. She needs a roof over her head.
Grow up! They're here to stay, so get used to it.
I'll give them a month.
Stella loves having them here. Never seen her so happy.
Sleeping through for the first time ever. Don't fuck it up for her.
(DOORBELL RINGING INCESSANTLY)
Hold yer friggin' horses!
Dad found out I'm gay.
I left a porno in the bathroom and he went schizo.
He did that?!
- I'm going round there. - No, you're not!
- It sounds like he's lost the plot. - Didn't Mum do anything?
She wasn't there. She hasn't been for a month.
She's run off with another bloke.
And nobody bothered to tell me? Thanks(!)
I don't want to go back there until he's calmed down.
Stay here for a few days.
Cheers, mate.
You can sleep with me.
Top to tail.
So, how did your dads react when they found out?
What - they don't know?
I'm just waiting for the right moment, you know.
- There's no point telling him any more. - What do you mean?
- We're seeing each other. - Fuck me! So you're bi?
Just found the right person.
(RETCHES)
Oi, greedy arse, you going to pass that or what?
I didn't hear your dad come in.
He didn't.
- So who's that for, then? - Me.
No, you don't. It's illegal.
- You can't tell me what to do! - What is it with you lately, Liam?
Do you know what? Don't bother speaking at all
if you're going to be a cheeky little prick.
Night, love.
Now, that's what I call service!
I'll be wanting some money off this. A dent in it.
Yeah, I know. I saw you do it. Full price.
10p cheaper at Cost Chopper.
Well, piss off to Cost Chopper, then!
I'll be buying me girls' condoms elsewhere an' all!
You're going to have to stop
taking your sexual frustration out on customers.
Jamie still making the earth move?
Yeah, I've got a great sex life, thanks.
Really - so when did you last come?
How many times, Joe? It's over.
You're doing my fucking head in. This is getting sorted out.
It's already sorted.
- I'm with the bloke I want to be with. - Yeah?
Deal with it.
Right.
I will.
Morning, love.
Made any friends at big school?
You're welcome to invite them back for tea.
As long as they aren't gingas.
LIBBY: What about your breakfast?
I'm all right.
I'm worried about him.
Worry's like a rocking chair.
Gives you something to do but never fucking gets you anywhere.
Needs his cherry popping.
I think it's obvious what his behaviour's signifying.
He needs mothering.
Have to bloody find her first.
Bit early, innit?
I'm still in a bit of pain.
Now...you need to be discreet to survive around here.
Anyone finds out you're a mincer, your life won't be worth living.
MICKY: So just follow my lead,
and if a bloke catches you perving...
What you looking at, you faggot?!
...there's only one way out of it.
I don't know, but you're looking at a Maguire.
Bruce!
I don't know what you bothered changing the locks for.
He'll never want to step foot in here again!
CAMERON: So he thought he'd come crawling to you?
He couldn't exactly get very far, could he?!
You haven't got a bloody clue what things have been like here.
Turning your back on your son!
He smokes that marijuana shit from the minute he wakes up...
Oh, right, so you chucked him out for being a stoner.
- He needed a wake-up call, the loser! - Coward!
You're just making up excuses to cover up for the fact
that you threw him out because he's gay.
Bruce is what?
Pathetic! I'm just glad Mum's seen the light at last.
She should've left you years ago. What, you going to give me a crack as well?
What the fuck has he been telling you?
I'm going to call the police.
He's probably at Homework Club or summat.
It's nearly ten!
He could be at a friend's.
I don't like this, he's not been himself.
Oh, cheers, great welcome.
Liam's not home from school yet.
Probably run off - wouldn't be the first time.
I knew a lad who ran away to London once.
Ended up living in the slums, forced into a life of crime.
That'll be Oliver Twist.
He'll be back when he wants feeding.
You ever thought of entering Father of the Year?
You read about all sorts these days. Anything could have happened to him.
You're a proper little ray of sunshine, Patty, you know that?
- (DOOR OPENING) - Oh, thank God!
We thought you were on a train heading somewhere exotic.
So where've you been?
Out.
LIBBY: I thought we could go in to town on Saturday. Just you and me.
Who's she?
- CARL: Wayne Dobson's little sister. - What's she doing here?
I thought you two could go upstairs and play.
I'm 11.
No, I mean go and...
"play".
Would you like me to read you a bedtime story?
So, were you in the Army?
RAF.
What plane did you fly?
Spitfire.
What was the name of your squadron?
This is worse than the bloody Gestapo.
Your school said it'd only take a half hour.
I don't want to do this any more than you do.
I wanted someone from World War I, but they're all dead.
Stupid bloody soldiers and stupid bloody wars.
"We make war that we may live in peace."
Aristotle.
Whatever.
Be a lot less bother if people actually talked,
told each other what was wrong.
Like Churchill said, "Less war war, more jaw jaw."
(COUGHING)
(WHEEZING)
Piss off if you're going.
How long have you got?
I said piss off.
- You've done this before. - I'm surrounded by cabbages at home.
I'd better go.
Your teacher said you'd fail this module if you didn't get this assignment in.
Come tomorrow, huh?
Let yourself in. Any time.
Do you ever get any gay boys in here?
Only the ones who like hospital food.
What you drinking?
Better have a pint.
Two pints, please, Karen.
Straight enough for you?
All right. You don't have to go overboard.
Mam, this is Bruce, Maxine's brother. He's staying with us.
About time we had a bit of eye candy round here, eh, Karen?
Mimi Maguire.
Oh, Katie's nana?
You must really miss her.
Feel like I've had me heart ripped out.
I hear she doted on you.
I was always in her nightmares.
Saving her from the monsters, like.
Good-looking lad like you could have her with the click of a finger.
She's not got the right bits.
He means she's not his type.
He likes big tits, not fried eggs.
I'm gay.
Urgh!
Better stick some Kylie on the jukebox for the fudge-packer.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
MAN: Go on, get on with it!
He only went and told everyone he's a Mary...
I just wish you'd had the bloody decency to tell me first.
I'm not really.
- I saw you in the pub. - I was just having a laugh.
So why did you tell everyone that's why I kicked you out?
I kicked him out to force him to sort himself out.
Make-up!
You snidey little...
We all tell porkies occasionally. He's not a doctor. He isn't anything.
You complete fuck-up.
- I needed somewhere to... - MAXINE: Just go!
Gonna miss footie practice tonight.
You, miss footie?
He must be seeing a bird.
Well, are ya?
Yeah.
Mimi, any chance of you sticking this one on the slate?
Same chance as me sitting on yer face.
The milk of human kindness curdles and turns slowly sour.
Yes, mate?
Pint and a whisky chaser. Double.
It's like a jungle out there.
Sometimes I wonder how I keep from going under.
So, well, they say a problem shared is a problem halved.
Get him a drink.
Oh, cheers. You're a gent. Frank Gallagher.
Ian's father?
Well, sort of.
Cameron Donnelly. Maxine's dad.
Oh-ho, the meeting of the in-laws! Mimi, line them up.
Need to celebrate the coming together of two noble tribes.
Great. Cheers, mate.
(BURPS) So, either your missus has left you,
or you've just discovered your son's a poof.
Both.
Shit! Two emergency Es, Mimi.
What would you do if you found out your son was bent?
Actually...
...I don't think I'd mind.
Well, it has its advantages, doesn't it?
They don't have nippers,
so you haven't got robbing grandkids bleeding you dry.
They've got lots of girlie mates, so you've got plenty to ogle at.
And statistically they die younger, you know, AIDS and shit.
You may come into a bit of money,
plus you'd never have to run a Hoover across the house again -
they like a nice, clean home, don't they?
Hey, what would you do, Paddy,
if you discovered one of your lads was a fruit?
I'd do the right thing.
I'd put him out of his misery.
You're going to fucking night school!
What the hell are you doing following me?
Just wanted to see what she looked like.
Where is she? Finishing off her macramé basket?
What's this?
I have to write down all the times I get narked.
I'm doing an anger management course.
Yeah, right(!)
So there's no girlfriend?
Look, if you're doing this for me...
I'm not.
I need to sort meself out. I know I've got a problem.
You could've told me.
It's none of your business.
It is if you're talking about me in there.
I talk about me.
You can't do this on your own. I can help.
Leave it!
Oh, thank the Lord! I phoned all the hospitals, Frank.
- That's a strange habit. - Like a dog...
- always finds his way home eventually. - Come and sit down.
LIBBY: Oh!
(DRUNKEN LAUGHTER)
Hey, didn't know the Tories knew how to party!
(CHANTS) Cameron, Cameron, Cameron...
Where were you again last night?
- I think he's got a girlfriend. - Ooohhh!
We don't all need adoration to mask our insecurities.
It's not...it's not a problem if she's a minger, son.
- We all have to start somewhere. - I was at Reggie's.
Bring this Reggie round. I want to see if he's as geeky as you.
LIAM: He can't walk.
You don't want to be hanging around with a raspberry ripple, son.
It's crap for your street cred.
He doesn't go to my school.
Even worse! Kid from another school, you got to beat the shit out of 'em.
Oh, don't do that again, sir...
He doesn't go to any school. He's 84.
What are you doing spending all your time with a coffin-dodger for?
You know what for. You signed the consent form for school.
I just don't show up on your radar, do I?
Who is he? Where's he live?
Come here. Give me the bag, give me... Give me the bag!
No! It's mine.
(FRANK LAUGHING)
What's this?
- When did this come? - Get off, Frank.
We're all worried sick about her and you kept this to yourself!?
Easy, Carl.
Four days ago!
Debbie sent it to me. It's mine, it's private.
"Dear Liam, hope you lot haven't burnt the bloody house down.
"By the time you read this I'll be in Afghanistan.
"Just been told I've been posted there."
LIBBY: Is this what you've been worried about?
- Liam! - (TEARFULLY) Afghanistan!
If you need to talk...
REGGIE: If you're after getting something off your chest,
some sort of touchy-feely nonsense,
you've come to the wrong place.
All I'm after's a bit of privacy, so that's fine by me.
You're having a bad time. Don't worry, it won't last for ever.
What the hell's this?
It's for you, for helping with my project.
You shouldn't go wasting your money.
I've got enough shit in this place as it is.
What was it like?
Flying?
I don't want to talk about it.
(PROPELLERS WHIRR, GUNFIRE)
LIAM: I read a lot of pilots found it hard to cope after the war.
They missed it so much.
(AIR-RAID SIRENS WAILING)
(EXPLOSIONS)
Reggie. Reggie.
Yeah?
You're the only person I know who enjoys meals on wheels.
Why do you get them delivered?
Legs don't work. No-one to push me, since I lost the wife.
Why don't you ask for some help?
I like to keep myself to myself.
Like a bit of privacy.
Two little ducks, 22.
Kelly, love, Libby wants a word.
It's about Liam.
What's up?
He's just really withdrawn.
Plus, he's lost his appetite.
I thought he might open up to you.
Young and keen, number 15.
How's he doing at school? Has he made any friends?
Not really.
But he has befriended a retired gentleman. Always round there.
LILLIAN: S and M. Number 10.
What's wrong?
Well...why would an old geezer want to spend time with an 11-year-old boy?
I'll have a word.
LILLIAN: Danny La Rue, 52.
Where have they all come from?
Autumn Days. Nursing home on Brewer Lane.
Sister-in-law works there. She's give me the entertainment budget.
They keep forgetting to cross off the bloody numbers. Senile!
Frank Gallagher!
(AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARING)
REGGIE: Sky, speed, adrenaline -
the best thrill, the purest high, of my entire life!
Feel it. Feel it.
Feel it, lad - that energy, that strength!
That's how we lived. That's how we got through it.
Grasp every opportunity.
Take it and squeeze every second out of every minute, out of every hour,
out of every day, knowing it could be your last.
- No! - Every bullet that whistled
through the air, every streak of fire
that flew from the enemy guns, could mean you'd be over, like that.
- (EXPLOSION) - Faces melted,
blown apart, torn limb from limb.
The screams, the pleas.
- (SCREAMING) - "You would not tell with such high zest
"To children ardent for some desperate glory
"The old lie
"Dulce et decorum est Pro patria mori."
My sister's just been sent to Afghanistan.
I'm sorry.
But that's how it is.
Nutter's flipped again.
Karen. What the fuck?!
What? There's a free Engie Benjy in selected boxes.
He's Connor's favourite.
Not our lucky day, eh?
Sorry about the mess.
Hey, hey. How much did you get for her? (CHUCKLES)
You OK, kiddo?
I, er...hear you've got a new friend.
Where'd you get the cash for all that?
Used my dinner money.
You get free meals.
How did the interview go?
All right. OK.
Good. I dunno.
Well, they'd be stupid not to take you on.
What does a head cleaner do, anyway? Get a bigger brush?
You did the right thing. He needs to stand on his own two feet.
Chucking your own brother out on the streets?!
Homophobe!
What can I get for you?
IAN: Two pints. Vodka and coke.
He said anything about me?
Only that you made him very welcome.
Considering he's a royalty-loving, right-wing nonce,
- your dad's quite a laugh, in't he? - You've met me dad?
Met?! He was Sonny to my Cher.
Portland Street Hotel. We're barred.
It's nice to know he's busy enjoying himself.
I don't think he's coping very well.
That's why he needed some medicinal support.
Listen. As much as we care about our kids,
we don't always do the right thing by them.
Even I have been neglectful on occasion.
He doesn't give a shit about me.
He never has.
You see, that's where you're wrong.
You leaving home and living with us was a kick in the teeth for him.
He said so himself.
Listen, you're gonna have to act straight when you're serving.
Oh, it's a good job I left my Lycra hot pants at my dad's, then, innit?
Punters aren't used to it.
Don't usually get arse-bandits round here.
I'm not the only bloke in this place who gets a stiffy watching the rugby league.
Hi, son.
Excuse me.
What the...?
What?
Your mother's left me up shit creek.
When did you last eat?
Can't remember.
Right, get your arse in the bath. Tea'll be ready when you come down.
And chuck your dirty washing down t'stairs.
Did "time-outs" tonight.
Leaving a situation whenever you start to feel uptight.
Yeah, well, I think it's a load of touchy-feely bollocks.
Well, it's working. As you've already seen.
I can see why your Liam likes going to that old boy's house.
Spoiling him rotten.
Bags of sweets and...
Thought he'd be chuffed, but...
looked far from chuffed when I just saw him.
FRANK: Vroom, vroom!
Frank! What are you doing with that?
(CHUCKLES) Found it in the yard.
So why's that old bloke been giving you sweets?
FRANK: Button it up, Jenson.
- Might be a perv, Liam. - Evolution passed you by, didn't it?
Has he touched you?
- Yeah. - Where?
Living room, kitchen...
Where?!
Here! In here!
Carl, you can't go accusing people.
Look what happened when everyone thought you'd murdered that lad.
(MUTTERS IN IRISH ACCENT)
He's helping with my history project,
and he's one of the few people who isn't constantly on my back!
What's it about?
World War Il?
What a bloody waste of time that was!
Frank!
FRANK: Well, what is the point of us winning?
(GERMAN ACCENT) You might not be able to hear the sound of marching jackboots,
but it is still oppression.
Might be best if you don't go round there any more, love.
We can help you with your project.
Pathetic fucking mates.
It makes you wonder why all those fucking brave soldiers gave their lives,
when you look at the modern landscape of loutishness and disorder!
It's going cold.
I'm not hungry.
Whatever.
You know, Bruce is still the same person.
He's queer.
It's not what I hoped for.
What every father hopes for.
Why did you make up a pathetic lie about Ian being a doctor?
My school reports all said the same thing.
"Maxine lacks confidence."
I've only ever encouraged you.
Shouting at me for coming second at sports day?
You could've won.
I got Ian to lie
because I wanted you to think I'd made something of myself.
Don't blame me for your under-achieving. You never pushed yourself.
I'm a glorified cleaner at that hospital.
I clean floors like no other. I take pride in my work.
I applied for a promotion to be head cleaner.
I didn't get it.
My boss said I lacked confidence.
I tried ringing Mum. Her phone's dead.
Ah, I bet you're dead pleased, seeing all the boys settled down.
It's just this one to marry off now.
You not brought any women home to see your mam lately?
No, he keeps 'em all to himself. Heard all about them, though.
Oh, yeah?
Well, there was that fiery redhead.
Got a bit obsessive, didn't she, son?
MICKY: Yeah.
Then there was that stunning blonde. But she dumped him.
Sat in his room listening to Whitney for weeks.
Aw, bless!
D'you want another beer?
Anyone'd think you're keeping tabs on me.
(GROANING)
Sorry, son. Can't have a screamer collecting debts.
No! No!
(VACUUM WHIRRING)
Couldn't get rid of you last night. It's a shame you fell asleep,
cos me and your mum - we were up talking for hours.
I want a word with you, soft lad!
(GROANING)
(SOBBING)
No! No!
(SCREAMING)
What's this I've heard about you not flushing after a shit?
Anyone'd think you were dragged up!
(PHONE PLAYS GIRLS ALOUD: Can't Speak French)
Silly cow burnt my school shirt.
Been getting the rise taken out of me all day.
Oh, get some new ones, huh?
I can't take it with me.
My brother says you could be a pervert.
(CHUCKLES)
He's right. But I haven't got the energy for it, lad. You're safe.
I know.
(# ALLEGRI: Miserere)
Can I turn it up?
Yes.
Aren't you a bit hot in all that?
I'm fine.
We must never judge a man by his actions until we know his motives.
I'm 84.
You can't show me anything I've not seen before.
Take it off.
So, what little test have you got for me today?
I've realised I've been wanting everything my own way.
And so you should.
What you need is stability.
I just need time.
- Got any extra long? - Bottom shelf.
I thought you weren't buying 'em in here any more.
We've cleared Cost Chopper out. We've had a few stag dos.
Can't we just go back to the way we were?
No.
I'll only ever be just a fuck to you.
I want more.
A wife, family.
If I can't have a future with you,
then I'll have to have it with someone else.
LILLIAN: Have you not got any ribbed?
I like to treat me girls now and again. Keeps the morale up.
She forgot her milk, dozy cow.
It's Debbie's.
My sister.
It's the wife's.
I've worn it since the day she died.
Here.
Reminds me of all we had, though.
She's just that bit closer.
A ring's symbolic.
Has no beginning...
no end.
I don't know what the fuck wearing a dress is all about, though.
I can still smell her perfume.
The house used to smell of it on a Saturday night.
Doesn't any more, though.
I hope she makes it.
I hope she's one of the lucky ones.
Fetch the milk, would you?
Help me up, would you?
(SOBBING GENTLY)
I'm sorry, lad. I was just...
I know what you were doing. I trusted you!
- Just... - I trusted you!
WOMAN: I just can't stand it when you're in the supermarket
and somebody walks in front of you.
And you think, "Hold on. Fuck off! I've been here ten minutes..."
(VOICES BLEND INTO A CACOPHONY)
WOMAN: Excuse me. Can I help you?
I'm Karen Pritchard. Joe's wife.
There's a room at my place if you want it.
Is that you making a pass at me?
No! You're not my type. Take it or leave it.
Just stop threatening me. There's only so much I'll take. Got that?
Look, the thing about addicts is...
they're just running away from who they really are,
and what they hate about themselves.
Just talk to him, calmly, civilised.
Bruce.
Why can't you be a man and just admit that you're a faggot?
Although I realise that's a contradiction in terms.
OK.
I'm a big, fucking, screaming faggot.
Not quite what I meant.
Effective!
I just...
snap, see red.
And I've gotta sort it out,
cos I can't keep fucking up all my relationships.
When I started seeing her...
it was a complete head-fuck.
Cos...
...I'd never felt like that about anybody before.
I made out it was just a bit of fun, cos I was shit scared.
WOMAN: Tell your wife.
I just want to get away from here.
A new life - whatever it takes.
Free from the past.
After all this time...
we deserve a chance at happiness.
The three of us.
You, me and our son, Connor.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Why are we here?
Cos there's a right bloody draught in that lounge.
I meant, why are we here?
Oh.
I don't think there is one definite reason.
Just got to find your own.
How?
Through your actions.
Making the world a better place for your family and your mates.
Especially when they need you most.
CARL: Where are you going?
Reggie's.
I'm sorry, Liam - no.
I was walking by earlier and I saw you...
in the dress.
What?!
No, Carl! Carl, no!
- You can't go jumping to conclusions! - Where does he live?
- No! Oh! - (SHOUTS) Where does he live?!
- Libby? - Don't!
I'll find him and I'll kill him. Keep him here.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
I need to see him.
I need to.
(TV CHANNELS CHANGE RAPIDLY)
No, Mum, stop. Don't do that.
You know it...
(DOOR OPENING)
It was just a bloody hug, lad.
I know.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(# ELGAR: Enigma Variations, Nimrod)
You need to get up. It'll make you feel better.
It's too late.
No time.
Bags of time!
Open the fucking door, now!
Open the fucking door! Open the door!
Liam! Liam!
Carl, no. Stop!
- Liam, get out here! - (SCREAMS)
Just get up. Walk around the room a bit.
Come on!
(ALL SHOUT INDISTINCTLY)
Get up!
(MUSIC SOARS)
(BOTH GIGGLING)
(EXPLOSIONS)
(FIGHTER PLANE ROARING OVERHEAD)
(SUDDEN SILENCE)
He didn't.
He didn't, Carl.
LIBBY: We should call the police.
Not yet.
LIAM: People are always going to leave eventually,
no matter how much you don't want them to.
That's why you've got to enjoy them while they're here.
Doesn't matter how much time you actually spend with someone.
It's the fact you've spent time with them at all that's important.
(# GNARLS BARKLEY: Crazy)
# Ever since I was little
It looked like fun
# And it's no coincidence I've come
# Mmm
# And I can die when I'm done
# But maybe I'm crazy
# Maybe you're crazy
# Baby, we're crazy
# Probably-y-y. #